Parenting/kid question

[Hedgelj]

I know every one of my kids are different so there is no "one size fits all" parenting idea but I am struggling with something with my oldest.

He's 12, smart, but I swear I cannot get him to think and actually put forth more than the bare minimum effort on things. Or he just blows through something without "caring" what the end result is until the half assed result gets him into trouble. IF we stay on him he does well but at what point will I no longer have to shove my foot up his ass to actually get some results? Or is it an age thing?

Examples:
He messed up a math test by going too fast and skipped 2 whole pages of the damn thing.
He doesn't take the time to check his homework and misses points on dumb mistakes.
He routinely has to do his basic chores (dishes, taking garbage out, etc) 2x before he gets it done to his mother or my standard.

I don't have enough hair to tear out and I'm at a loss.
Help?

 

[Ohiosam]

You think he's bad now wait till he discovers girls

I guess maybe he needs some consequences for when he does things half-assed. Nothing serious just stuff that gets his attention. He sounds like maybe he's easily distracted (see note above about girls) maybe there's a way of limiting his distractions, at least with chores at home.

 

[Dustinb80]

You are at the beginning of this ride. Strap in, hang on. Good luck

 

["J"]

How’s he do on things he likes to do?

 

[bowhunter1023]

That's our middle kid, who is only 5, but you have to ride her like a rented mule to get anything out of her. She knows what you're asking, but gives zero fucks

No help from me since my oldest is only 9, but I can relate because I was a bit like your 12 year old. My dad withheld the things that matter most to - access to sports mainly - if I wasn't performing up to par. We manage our kids in a similar manner by setting clear parameters, then dropping the hammer when we have to. Being an asshole comes naturally to me, so I can administer some memorable reprimands

Good luck with him. I'm sure others will have some good insight.

 

[Redhunter1012]

I know every one of my kids are different so there is no "one size fits all" parenting idea but I am struggling with something with my oldest.

He's 12, smart, but I swear I cannot get him to think and actually put forth more than the bare minimum effort on things. Or he just blows through something without "caring" what the end result is until the half assed result gets him into trouble. IF we stay on him he does well but at what point will I no longer have to shove my foot up his ass to actually get some results? Or is it an age thing?

Examples:
He messed up a math test by going too fast and skipped 2 whole pages of the damn thing.
He doesn't take the time to check his homework and misses points on dumb mistakes.
He routinely has to do his basic chores (dishes, taking garbage out, etc) 2x before he gets it done to his mother or my standard.

I don't have enough hair to tear out and I'm at a loss.
Help?

Dear God, I could have just wrote that. We just had a sit down with our 11 year old son. Literally everything you just described applies to him. He lost all electronics and turkey hunting this coming weekend. He now has to bring every piece of school work home. He's just half assing school and chores.

 

[Hedgelj]

How’s he do on things he likes to do?

If he's interested he works hard such as basketball and other sports. He can work and does a good job but i hate riding his ass just to get acceptable output.

Dear God, I could have just wrote that. We just had a sit down with our 11 year old son. Literally everything you just described applies to him. He lost all electronics and turkey hunting this coming weekend. He now has to bring every piece of school work home. He's just half assing school and chores.

Mine has lost electronics until he shows us his stuff is done each day. Turkey hunting is up in the air of he misses no assignments or "dumb" points this week in school.

 

["J"]

Our son was semi like that. He’d do it too our liking. But at his pace. It’d get done, just not as fast as I’d expect it.
Daughter? Yeah, she’d lose everything but air, food and water. It never really changed anything. She’d ride it out and make enough progress too appease us and then go right back too her old ways.
Fast forward, she just turned 30 and is a productive adult. She actually saw the light in her late teens. So hang on for the ride.

 

[giles]

Yup

 

[hickslawns]

Our son was very similar. Change didn't happen over night. We stayed consistent. Threatened to remove some of his sport or video game passions. At times we did take them away. Wish I could tell you we did something that triggered a change in him. If I'm being honest though? I think he simply needed to mature. I don't think anything we did or threatened changed his ways. I DO believe our being consistent in his expectations helped. Just not sure yanking him from video games for a week or month did a lot. Maybe short term, but long term it was consistency on our part and maturity on his.

Once he figured out what he wanted to do, he began to buckle down in his schooling. Maybe early in his sophomore year he started bringing grades up. He found his groove in the band as well. Threatening to pull him from band if he didn't keep grades up might have helped some too. He will graduate soon. We couldn't be more proud. Stay the course. He "should" come around eventually.

 

[RedCloud]

Good luck.

My son will be turning 17 tomorrow and he's been the same as you described since he was a toddler. As soon as he started school we have had to keep on him every day and check to see what assignments are missing and make him do them. Does us little good because he half-assed it just to get it completed and turned in and to get us off his back. We have grounded him, taken his favorite things away from him, and basically made him live an amish life for weeks at a time. We even did the entire 9 weeks like that once. Did it make him do his work? NOPE!
He just adapted and went on. If it's not something that interests him you can toss it out the window because he's not going to do it or give 2 shits. I figure it'll take a few years of adult life before it kicks him in the teeth and things finally start to click and he realizes we were only trying to help him prepare for life. Sometimes the stubborn need to find things out on their own. My youngest step daughter was the same has he is. She's finally starting to figure things out at 26 years old.

 

[Clay Showalter]

I could have wrote the same thing about my youngest son, who just turned 16. I have to ride his ass all the time about his school work, he is smart as can be, but won’t keep up with homework and assignments. I have been going through this since the 5th grade and it drives me nuts. Now that he had a girlfriend and wants his license we will see if that motivates him. Something had to work because if not only one of us will see his 18 birthday.

I am so over his bullshit, so I can feel your pain.

 

[Dustinb80]

Had the same issues with my step son. Also took all electronics away, and hes a nerd/gamer so that really pissed him off. His worst enemy was Progress book. I was checking that thing 3-4X a day to stay on top of what he was missing in school. Conferences with teachers, grounding him etc. Like others, it worked for a short period of time and we would do it all over again. At one point I had ALL of his remotes and plugs in a box under my desk at work. He tried to be sneaky, but I would catch him and it would only make things worse. So like I said, this is just the beginning. Good luck.

 

[Smawgunner2]

I’ve worked with high school kids for 19 years. I’ve seen it all. I don’t know your son or his background but 9 times out of 10 what your describing is immaturity. Some grow out of it, but hell, we all know adults that are immature. Speaking for myself, I had a lot of immaturity at that age but the Marine Corps fixed most of that. I wouldn’t expect you’re going to “fix” him but there should be clear expectations with positive and negative reinforcers built in. The cell phone is the ultimate tool. Good luck!

 

[Geezer II]

I know every one of my kids are different so there is no "one size fits all" parenting idea but I am struggling with something with my oldest.

He's 12, smart, but I swear I cannot get him to think and actually put forth more than the bare minimum effort on things. Or he just blows through something without "caring" what the end result is until the half assed result gets him into trouble. IF we stay on him he does well but at what point will I no longer have to shove my foot up his ass to actually get some results? Or is it an age thing?

Examples:
He messed up a math test by going too fast and skipped 2 whole pages of the damn thing.
He doesn't take the time to check his homework and misses points on dumb mistakes.
He routinely has to do his basic chores (dishes, taking garbage out, etc) 2x before he gets it done to his mother or my standard.

I don't have enough hair to tear out and I'm at a loss.
Help?

How to Get Children to Do Homework | Empowering Parents

Many parents fight a daily battle with their children over doing homework. Here’s why kids resist doing homework and what you can do to help motivate them.

www.empoweringparents.com

 

[Bigcountry40]

@Hedgelj your son's behavior describes 70% of my students, even in my honors classes kids are studying for test and completing homework for other classes the day of.

 

[Dannmann801]

Our pussified culture is shocked and repulsed by the thought of corporal punishment.
it's a shame.
I think it works, it did on me.
I was scared to fuck up.

 

[GoetsTalon]

Yeah dad working long hours in a hot factory was enough for me to figure out real quick not to piss him off. After the first couple times lol

 

[bowhunter1023]

We often get comments along the lines of "I wish our kids listened like that" and I have to bite my tongue because I know (unfortunately) we're in the minority of parents these days that legitimately punish our kids. I have a simple philosophy on raising kids and dogs: They're both smart and they both dislike things that suck. So when a kid or a dog screws up, make it suck for them, and chances are, they'll learn from it and if not, you can't say you didn't try. I'll add that boys and girls are certainly different in how they respond to punishment, as is each individual kid. We have one that's terrified to disappoint mom or dad, another that could care less, and one TBD...

 

[triple_duece]

If this is the worst you have to deal with, your the best parents in the world and should write a book on parenting and become an instant billionaire .

My suggestion would be have a conversation about him having to do things twice instead of once. Tell him I know you don’t have interest in things and you try to hurry up and complete them……only having to repeat it again. Say if it was me, I’d slow down and do it right the first time so I don’t have to do it again and again. Make him think about that. Sometimes just taking a different approach makes them mature like you intended without using a heavy hand or take something away. There are options before you raise the level of “punishment”. After that you will resort to more stern measures.

someone posted their kid can’t go Turkey hunting opening weekend. I get the punishment thing but the most important thing in my eyes is TOO have that special time and bonding with my kid while you still have some influence.

Trust me when they get in high school, your raising your kids BUT YOUR NOT RAISING THEM. The friends have way more influence on your kids than you’d ever believe nor did I. I feel I run a tight ship but met my match around 14 years old. Good luck and buckle in, could be a rough ride if they think of doing stuff with their friends and they don’t get butterflies thinking “what if my parents find out”!