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Corny Joke Thread

Matt

Active Member
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Norton, OH
#1
We all have em! We all love em! Let's hear em! :smiley_breakdance::smiley_breakdance::smiley_breakdance::smiley_breakdance:

My first contribution:

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was intense! :smiley_carnaval:
 

Riverdude

The Happy Hunting Grounds Beyond
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Ashtabula, Ohio
#6
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
 

Ohiosam

*Supporting Member*
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Mahoning Co.
#7
A guy goes hunting ... a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"


"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
 

CJD3

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NE Ohio
#9
If you have 3 men standing on a corner...
1 is a idiot
1 is drinking a TAB diet drink
and 1 is holding an apple, know what you have...


The Moron tab and apple quire
 

CJD3

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#10
Gandhi was quite loved by those around him. because of his beliefs, he walked everywhere. It was said the soles of his feet were as hard as the bottoms of any other mans shoes. His diet of only eating certain foods never allowed him to gain any weight so he always looked to skinny and frail. The other problem with his diet was it gave him horrible bad breath. Those around him secretly refereed to him as...

A super calloused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. :smiley_crocodile:
 

CJD3

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#11
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a BJ tonight.”

I said "enjoy"..:smiley_crazy:
 

CJD3

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#12
A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
Fellow cannibal.



Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: ; $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Liberal or Grilled Conservative: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"


The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
 

CJD3

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#13
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc?

I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let It heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided Splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on Their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her Beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies,



'Look at this. . .... . . .. ..still in the CRATE!
 

CJD3

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#14
OBGYN ASSISTANT

A retired man went to the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw
a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went
in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're readyfor the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."


"Good grief... is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now." :p
 

CJD3

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#15
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated ... She asked the teller, "Why
it change? Yesterday, I get two hunna dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunna eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.."

The Asian lady then said, "Fluc you white people too"
 

Jackalope

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#16
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying
to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated ... She asked the teller, "Why
it change? Yesterday, I get two hunna dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunna eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations.."

The Asian lady then said, "Fluc you white people too"

:smiley_crocodile::smiley_crocodile:
 

CJD3

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#19
The parish priest went on a fishing trip.


On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Sonof a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,



"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"
 

Dannmann801

Senior Member
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Springboro
#20
Women say that natural childbirth is the worst kind of pain anyone can experience.
I disagree. I say circumcision is the worst.
They did it to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for nine months.