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The Electric Fence

CJD3

Dignitary Member
Supporting Member
12,668
5,900
155
NE Ohio
#1
:smiley_breakdance:
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one,
you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure
this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along
the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles
of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about
the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on
the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.
Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it
was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I
grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had
those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop,
pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my
own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left
me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had
created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the
left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session
cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new
after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (I still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a
warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.