Syndi

[CJD3]

As some of you know, I recently lost my wife unexpectedly in October after 26 years of marriage. 31 years total, at the age of 50.

This thread is directed to anyone that has a family.

I hardly know where to begin. My beautiful wife was always an advocate for anything she felt strongly about. My hope is to make you aware
of some things you must do. If I could hook you right now to have a Will, a living Will and a little life insurance for your loved ones and a couple of letters
in a safe place you each know about; we could call it a night and get back to reading about hunting...

But I doubt that you would really appreciate the overwhelming impact it has unless you have lost a wife, husband or child. This is not intended to do anything other
than try to let those of you with family's have some in-site. To put a few things in place. I am not trying to bring attention to myself as much as I am trying to share what happens and address a few things
that you must not put off doing.

So I guess we do it the hard way if you are willing to keep reading...

Syndi would have wanted me to try and give anyone a heads-up about this that would listen. She was the most intelligent person I knew. She made me a better man, a better father, a better husband.
She made our house a home. She made an impact on everyone she met and has left a incredible void in my life that make me wonder how I will ever be able to go on with out her.
We met in 1980 at Kent State U. dated for 5 years then married in 1985. We have raised 2 beautiful daughters. Just 3 months ago our youngest one moved out to go away to collage and
we finally started talking about enjoying life again and doing things. Up to that point, our last 22 years were
dedicated to raising our children. They came first, then Syndi. I was last... Last for new clothing, shoes, toys, anything. We had our share of money problems, fights, death, illness and arguments but never
did we not work through it all. Since 1980, she has been my only love. (woman wise) She never cared to or
hunted with me but always encouraged me to go. She would shoot the 38 special I got her many years ago once in a while to stay comfortable with it. She liked Elk meat but not deer. She learned all
the local animal tracks and sounds just from my passion of the woods. Sometimes she would go with me when I went fishing but it was just to sit and talk or to be outside. She never really cared for most fresh water fish.
In November, 2005 she had her first stroke. It was then she was diagnosed with Moya Moya decease. Over a week in the Cleveland Clinic and a brain surgery then 8 weeks in a rehab facility. The second Stroke hit her in 2008.
It damaged her left side, arm leg and speech. This was the most devastating of the 2. She had to re-learn to walk and took speech therapy for months. I brought her home Christmas eve that time.Through out all this, she never complained.
She never played the "pity" card. She never once used the strokes for an excuse. Syndi walked with a noticeable limp after that but refused a "hand cap" sticker for parking when offered because"there were other people worse off than her that needed the space"
With out a dough, she was stronger that I ever would have been. She kept fighting back from these horrible strokes. The only thing she ever said was that " Some day, God and I are going to have a talk about this"

Once "recovered" from the bad one in 08, she eventually resumed a "as good as its gonna get" quality of life. She never got back the use of the left hand. (strong hand) It was almost imposable to even sign her name. I eventually got "power of attorney" so she would
not have to suffer through that task. She got better at typing with her right hand and got around on the computer quite well. A second brain surgery in 08 and we were
hopefully that the Moya Moya and been arrested and we could go on with our lives at this point.

 

[CJD3]

What happened next on September 24, 2011 at a little after midnight was the beginning of a path that has turned into the darkest point of my life.
I will just cut and paste the updates I sent to family and friends...




10-01-11


Hell on Earth


Today is my wife’s (Syndi) birthday. She turned 50 today. She hasn’t said a word about it. Its not that she’s having a hard time with the number or that we have plans for later this evening. Its not even because we decided not to count today or reset the clock. I didn’t even do some stupid guy thing and forget or piss her off to the point she won’t talk to me. Syndi hasn’t said a word today because she can’t. She hasn’t said a word to me since just after midnight 1 week ago when she had the stroke.

We were on the phone talking from over 3 hours away and suddenly she wasn’t making any words. Just garbled noises. After about 30 seconds I got scared and started yelling into the phone to hit the pound or number buttons if you can’t talk… nothing. I called the house phone and cell phone back-to-back several times before calling my Mom and daughter near by to go check on her. You see Syndi has had 2 other strokes over the last 8 years. Mom and Shea arrived shortly thereafter and found her in bed mostly unconscious. She was able to grab my daughter’s hand but was unable to do anything else and slipped unconscious. The EMT’s arrived and got her to the local hospital, did a MRI and made plans to life-flight her to Cleveland Clinic but the weather was to bad so it would have to be in an ambulance. I threw some stuff in the truck. Called my boss and told him I HAD to leave NOW. I could not wait for someone to come and cover. I ran to the night co-man and he simply said GO! Her stroke was a bleed. The worst type. (on the left side)She arrived in Cleveland around 3:30 am I, a few min. before her) where she was sedated short of a coma to try and give her brain a chance to deal with the shock. By day 3 they started cutting back the meds to try and get her out of the sleep state she was in but even with the heavy drugs being reduced she still was not coming around. Day 4,day 5… scans, MRI’s, scopes, all they can do is rule out what isn’t wrong. They can’t remove the breathing tube because she is not breathing over the machine consistently through out the day. Day 6; a scare with blood pressure. And now day 7. Seven days I have been driving the hour + to sit and look at her then home in the evening. Occasionally being asked to step out of the neurological intensive care unit so they can do one thing or another. Seven days of looking at her going to tears from fear of what she will loose from this one or even worse. She remains in very critical condition and we don’t even know if she will have the use of her right side or speech. The best people at the clinic believe she may just need time to deal with the shock of the bleed but I have lived this nightmare twice before but not a bleed. Did I mention the phenomena they discovered in the left lung? More trauma to her poor body to deal with. They feel we should give her one to two weeks to come out of this. 1-2 weeks of Hell on Earth just to see if she will be able to use her right side or even talk again. I am again moved to tears because I am afraid she won’t have a word to say about our being together 31 years and married for 26 years this Wednesday.

 

[CJD3]

10-05-11

things are going the wrong way.
26 yr ann. today and a very very bad talk from the dr. team

 

[CJD3]

10-13-11

All is lost.
The best teams at the Cleveland Clinic have done everything they can. They feel she has had horrific damage from the bleed. Although not "brain dead", the bleed has damaged most motor functions but the most basic such as breathing...
They reduced the Morphine to almost nothing and she still would not wake up or respond to requests to blink,move a finger or toe. They said the next step would be to remove the breathing tube and put in a trak. to help her breath. They then would put in a pace maker because her heart is beating irregularly and has actually flat lined 5-6 times for a few seconds. There is also worries of a blood clot.(but because of the bleed, she is off blood thinners) From there she would be moved to a long term care facility and would probably never wake up...

Syndi and I have spoken a number of times since the first and second strokes over the last 7 years as well as last month when we lost my Dad. We both were very vocal about NOT EVER wanting to be kept in that sort of state. After meeting ( Her brother and sister and myself)with the Nuro.Dr.s teams and the Dr. that did her 2 brain surgery's ( Peter Rasmusion; just an outstanding person), It was agreed to remove life support. They completely agree with the family. She has been moved to a wing of the hospital for people in her condition with a staff that specializes in this situation. She is currently still with us and is almost never alone. She is showing signs of slowing down however no one can say if it will be hours, days or a couple of weeks. The focus now is to keep her comfortable and to let her go to God with some dignity as she wished.



My heart is broken and I feel so crushed at this horrible turn of events.

I all ready feel so lost

 

[CJD3]

10-26-11
Today
we placed my wife to rest. The sermon at the church was of course very moving. I was lost by the end but tried to remain strong for my daughters. People come up to you but by then your so awash from all the flash memories of the sermon that the drive over to the cemetery was a blur. The last thing I heard was the man in full dress playing "Amazing Grace" on the Bag Pipes from across the way. (1 of only 3 guys in the entire county that can play it for such an occasion) That song on bag pipes kills me...

As I sit here with my Gin waiting for a little numbness to kick in and type this, I need to thank some of you for allowing me to talk with out looking at anyone in the eye. I was able to vent some and also read and re read the kind words of support you gave me which helped me more than you can know...

...Thank you for all the messages you each had for me from others that you represented elsewhere as well as your own. Thank you one and all. So many of the things you told me in support helped me to this point tonight.

(Gin's kick en in)

Before I sat down to write this a hour and a half ago (1 gin hour ago) I had just come home from driving out to check the grave...
Guys. I can't even put into real words the feeling I got, that washed over me as I train my eyes from the stands of flowers all around this pile of dirt to this little white sign at the foot of this mound . "Cynthia Ann Dunne"
It s like realizing for the first time "my god. my wife is down there. I loved her so much!"
Then I remembered the fucken Bag Pipes... . Later, as I walked back to the truck I looked across the open country side to the sw, scanned the tree line 500 yards away and thought to my self, "only about 10 min. of shooting light left. Wish I was out there".

I just wanted to thank you all for every thing.

http://starbeacon.com/legacy/x1184195983/Cynthia-A-Dunne

 

[CJD3]

Living Will:
I just spent 27 days (24) days in the Cleveland Clinic in 2 very very bad areas of the hospital. All but the last 7 were spent in the high risk neurological area.
The last 7 in the "Palliative unit". Many nights one of us would sleep in the room in a chair.All those days... At various times during the day or night a nurse or aid will
come in and ask you to step out for a few min. or a test would be done so you step out and take a walk or get a coffee. In the " serious shit" type areas, you will find
pockets of family's. First to arrive at the hospital; brother and brother or sister. What ever. Its the people that show up at a hospital when something really bad
has happened to someone. Sometimes you hear things. One "brother and sister" on the Palliative unit, (where they take someone that will be passing soon.)

He was discussing if they could change their fathers will, "amend" it he said. Dad is technology still alive right now. Dr. said he had about a week..."
This guy was upset the the ill father was leaving something in his will to some "outsider/not family" He spoke of the "others" being on their way and would be there in 2 days.
At the time, I thought "what a piece of shit" Another day, a larger pocket of a different patient spoke of removing life support. The were divided on to do. Preserve her life at all cost
or remove life support, keep her comfortable and let nature take it course.The husband was devastated and clearly exhausted. The 4 kids, 2 with wives in tow were divided. She had no Living Will
none agree what "Mom " would have wanted.There were a couple of others too but you get the idea. IF you where in a Nuro ICU unit. You have just suffered a major stroke or some sort of trauma to your head.
YOU must have a Living Will made up that states what you would want them to do. Take that burden off you family. You do not want (for example)your wife fighting with your mother or sister about what you wanted done.
Now I don't care if you want to be kept alive at all costs for the rest of your natural born life even if your in a coma and may never wake up or you have a punch list and if "this" and "that" are the situation then
remove all life support, keep me comfortable and let nature take it course... I don't care which but pick one. Pick one, discuss it with loved ones and Put It In Writing! Do not burden your family with what to do.
I was lucky on that point. We all knew her wishes. I honored her wishes even though my heart begged to give it more time. Just 1 more day. Heart vs. brain.

 

[CJD3]

What kind of "Stuff" do you have:
I have all kinds of stuff. Not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stuff but none-the-less, stuff. Over the years, my wife would hold up a piece of jewelry and tell me where it came from or the family history of the item.
Being the good husband I was, I would listen or talk about it but did I really make note of most of it... No. Sadly, we never got wills finished and tonight I am sick over not listening to the advise people gave over the years.
She had absolutely known which daughter was to get what items "someday" when she passed away. Well "someday" is now and its kicking me in the balls...

Its not that I expect a big fight over who gets what, (although we have all been told stories of big fights over estate stuff and greed) its that I now have to make judgment calls and hope its kinda what she would have wanted.
... I don't even have the process really started to deal with the stuff one has to do after a loved one passes away because I'm still waiting on the certified death certificates (at $25.00 each) so I can notify the various
agencies like social security, insurance company's, banks, DMV and all the others... So to say the least, things are all over the place. My 18 and 22 year old daughters just lost their mother, they are young
and still realizing all the things they have just been deprived of like having her there for the birth of grand children...
Now, What IF I get hit by a truck tomorrow. My daughters get through the hospital, funeral and walk into my home and now they have to deal with not just my wifes "woman" stuff but now all my stuff... Bow stuff, gun stuff,
fishing stuff, camping gear and so on. "That old dingy tackle box with those nasty old wood and metal fishing plugs? Just pitch the whole thing or put it in that pile for the "American picker guy" or the "estate buyer guy" WRONG!!
There are some antique fishing plugs in that box worth some good money but they probably would not know that... But I bet the SOB that comes and gives em 30,40 or 50% value sure does. Your family just got screwed because they didn't know or forgot you had the collection.
If you have a hobby or interest in something or collections, make note of it in a letter attached to you will or in the same packet.If Johnny get a item of value, leave a sealed note to him telling about the item/history/value. Let your loved ones know that IF they intend to sell or part with something what has value . Any of my old guns have a file.
The file tells the story of the gun, where it came from, the history and a general value. In the state of mind your loved ones will be in, they may not know or may be to grief stricken to realize they just parted with an item worth a thousand dollars instead of the couple of hundred
they just took. If its an family item with history and you know Johnny will keep it forever, again take the time to write out a little history on the item.
Sadly, I have a few items left to me from my father and grandfather that I never thought to ask about and now I'll never know...

 

[CJD3]

More later

 

["J"]

Jim, I know this had too be dificult too write but this will give you solace in knowing that Syndi would of appreciated you passing along some advice that may help a person down the road.... Most of us think we have a long time before we run into what you have just went through. But preparation is the key too having all of your affairs in order.... The last thing you want too deal with in this time of despair is the little things that you can prepare for before hand... Some people call it morbid but it means a lot less headaches down the road.... Thanks for sharing...

 

[Mike]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you taking the time to share these things with all of us. I'll say some special prayers for you and your family.

 

[Riverdude]

Thanks for sharing this Big Bro.

Love ya man.

Your Brother

 

[cotty16]

These are things we never think about think wont happen to us. Great advice and I appreciate you taking the time to detail this.

 

[twireman]

You've went above and beyond with this post. Great advice nobody really ever thinks about. Thanks a ton.

 

[uglykat26]

my prayers are still with you and your family , loss is never easy , and anything we can do now to make it easier afterwards helps a great deal so the healing process can begin as soon as possible

 

[CJD3]

Get a Will
Seems kinda simple. Got all the time in the world... maybe... We didn't

I don't care if its a on-line will or one you hire an attorney to draw up; Get it done! You can always update it or cut someone out or add.
Surly you have some idea of who you would like to leave some things too. It should address big ticket things like a truck, house or such but it can be as specific as you want. I find it hard to believe ANY sportsman I know would not want to have a say in who or maybe who not to give your things too. If you don't care, maybe you should consider doing for your loved one. Do you want the extended family and friends coming up to your wife at the calling hours and say "Ya know that old gun Jim hunted with? He always said he would leave it to me and I should just come over tomorrow and get it." This shit happens. Your loved one will be lost. They will want to do the right thing for you... The answer is that "Jim had a Will. We need to see what it says"
Do not leave a loved one to sort through all your stuff. Site what you want done and leave the rest as say "home contents...
Its a very very bad time. Having things spelled out will give the family assurance that they are doing what you would have wanted.

 

[huntn2]

I still think and pray for you often Jim. I was just down the road from you tonight and you cycled through my thoughts several times. The time and the personal hurt you shared with this thread is very appreciated.

Hopefully we can all learn from your experiences. I know I have things I need to get in order. Some of it is the legal side of things, but I also have work to do on the relationship side. Right or wrong, thinking of you and what you have been through has enlightened me to just how much I take for granite all that is good in life.

 

[CJD3]

Life Insurance

Do you have any idea what it costs to go through what I just did?
Uncovered medical costs, Funeral package, Headstone, I wracked up 2,300 miles JUST driving back and forth to the Cleveland Clinic every day. $240.00+ in parking deck fees and throw in the gas. Flowers... The Social Security death benefit (around $250.00) they pay me for loosing my wife won't even be enough to cover the flowers the girls and I ordered to placed on her coffin from "loving husband & loving daughters".
Somewhere between 10 and 20 thousand dollars.
You are dealing with the loss of you wife or husband or even worse, your child and now you have to sit there a few days later and worry about how to pay for all this? How will you make ends meet with half the income that comes into your home gone. You would also have lost work hours before the death due to hospital time... Syndi went into the hospital 10-24-11. I spent a month just driving back-an-forth to the clinic, then I lost her.

If you are 20-30 or even 40, Life insurance is relatively cheap. Even at 50+ a 20,50 or even $100,000. life insurance policy would ensure that the person dealing with your death will be able to make decisions based on what they think you would have wanted.
DO NOT leave your wife or husband with the cost of your medical bills, funeral and monthly bills!!!
Buy enough life insurance to get you buried the way you would want, pay off your remaining debt and a little nest egg (if possible) to they don't start getting utilities shut off or collections because they cleaned out the bank account to get your sad ass into the ground and now they can't keep the lights on.

If you pick 1 thing to do first, do this. Your family deserves better than the guilt of worring about money and your funeral.

 

[Dannmann801]

Ballsy stuff putting yourself out there like this Jim, thanks for not just sloughing it off but taking the time to remind us all that some preplanning will save a ton of aggravation down the road.

Personally, I have made it a goal to have my poop in a group by Jan 31 2012. It's gonna cost some money and take some time, but we're gonna do it.
I'm sure glad my Dad had everything together before he passed; it sure made things easier on me.

 

[hickslawns]

Thanks for sharing this Jim. I "thought" I had things ready. Bills will be covered, my butt will be in the ground, wife and kids should have a nest egg to continue living for a good while, but. . . as I read I realize there are things I have NOT covered. The cheap pocket knife I have been carrying since I was 17? Yeah, my son should have this. I have never told anyone this. I have some work to do to be prepared. I am glad you have brought some of these things to our attention.

I have continued to think about you and pray for you and your family. Do NOT hesitate to call if you need anything. I am more than willing to listen if you need to vent or just talking hunting.

 

["J"]

Jim has brought up good points, and most of them I've had covered for years due too being deployed a lot... Wills, Power of Attornies, that's all taken care of.... But the one thing that he has mentioned and Phill highlighted.... What too do with your possesions.... Who gets what? I know a lot of folks would say you're gone who cares but what about your Grand Dads old shotgun and deer rifle? Like Phil said that old Knife you've had all your life???? Stuff too think about and too get done so you can have piece of mind knowing that your wishes are met.....